motivation is something that i'm in dire need of. the only motivation i have is the invitation go out and temporarily satisfy my need to feel "a part of something." but in reality, im not a part of anything. i don't even know that i want to be apart of that specific "something." but i want to be apart of ... something, anything. it'd be nice to know you're on someone's speed dial. it'd be nice to know your on someone's speed dial without pretending to be something that you're not. i'm not 'scene' - i've never considered myself to be apart of it... and frankly, i think the whole thing is a big fucking joke. a huge circus of people in competition for the popularity you never gained in high school? a huge group of people vying for your vote, but can't for the life of them remember your first name. i want to be apart of something better than that. but it certainly would be nice to be apart of something. be apart of something without lowering your iq or losing your real identity. i consider myself many things... but it seems like you immediately lose any self-confidence you once had when you walk into this sea of people with hidden agendas and quote-unquote good intentions. its no longer about 'you' its about what 'they' want. i've never been about pleasing other people, and i don't feel the need to start now just so i can say that i'm "friends" with these people.

bottom line; im lonely. i miss having a best friend. i have tons of secrets and stupid shit locked up inside that i just wish i could tell SOMEONE, anyone. i miss having someone who knew me inside and out. who could predict my next move, and who i could predict would call.

i want a purpose. i want something bigger than this silly popularity contest. i want to conquer real things, not low-life people without long-term goals. You can't go on doing this forever, believe it or not. And people aren't going to sit around worshipping you into their mid-forties.. so, i'm not saying give up on living life for "this moment"; but i don't want to live JUST for today, because i never know where i'll end up tomorrow and which friends are true and will actually last.

is it silly to believe that right now, of all the people i know and come into contact with and hang out with, i feel like there's maybe 1-2 that would put it on the line for me, if i really really needed them, meanwhile, i'd jump in front of a moving bus for anyone i meet. maybe i make myself too vulnerable, maybe i care too much about the people i meet. maybe i'm just not one of "them." i can't simply disconnect myself from people's feelings. i empathize with people's problems, whether they're lacking sufficient issues or not... while i sit here with all of this on my chest and no one i feel like i could really explain it to without them countering me with some ridiculously untrue argument.

my temporary satisfaction with drugs and alcohol and sex is wearing real thin... why do i feel the need to analyze all these things? why can't i just be one of the ignorant blind people who never think twice. i wish i couldn't see the "temporary" part of everything. call me a pessimist, i guess. i just want something MORE than all of that. i want something isn't part of a temporary euphoria, but a real happiness, with real friends, and real opportunities and experiences that will mean something next year, next month, next week... tomorrow. 4:33 p.m. 061110_60.html061122_5.html 11-26-06 - 1:47 p.m.
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